La storia di Jackson

My husband and I have been middle/high school sweethearts. At the age of 23 and 24 we got married in April of 2013. January 3rd, 2014 we found out we were expecting our first child. We told family members and friends about our exciting news and began thinking and preparing for our little buddle of joy. At 6 ½ weeks pregnant we had an unexpected trip to the emergency room. I began bleeding at work and immediately began to panic. I was in tears thinking we had lost our first child. We had not been to our first doctor’s appointment to see him or her yet. At the ER I was brought back for an ultrasound. As the tech scanned my belly, my husband and I were so nervous. She turned to me and said “you are not going to believe what I’m seeing. You are pregnant with twins!” My husband Jeremy went completely pale. I honestly thought he might faint. We had no idea it was even possible for us to have twins seeing they don’t run on either sides of our family. The tech took us back to a room and said the doctor would be with you shortly. As the doctor walked in I could tell it wasn’t good news. She explained….”Twin A’s heart beat was a strong 166 and Twin B’s heart rate was a 99. 99 is extremely low for a baby and diagnosed us with a threating miscarriage with Twin B. The following Tuesday was our first appointment with our OBGYN. Jeremy, my mother, and myself waited anxiously in the waiting room to be called back for an ultrasound. Finally, we were called back. As she scanned and measured both of our babies she informed us that Baby B had no heartbeat. We were all heart broken. She told us that Baby A had a strong heart beat and was growing great! We knew we had to be positive and thankful for our healthy growing baby that was still with us. As the months and weeks went on our growing baby was healthy and we fell more in love every day. Feeling your little love move inside your body is unexplainable and quite frankly the best feeling in the world. We couldn’t wait to find out if we were going to be having a little girl or boy. At 18 weeks we went in for our scheduled appointment for our baby’s anatomy scan and to find out the sex. The tech called us back. The butterflies were unreal as she began to scan my belly. She scanned and measured and said “you know I am going to wait till the very end to tell you, right?” Finally, she said “do you see this right here”? Our baby was a ……BOY! We were so thrilled. My husband and mother high fived and I had the happiest of tears! She told us congratulations and to wait in the waiting room to be called back by the doctor. We were called back and the doctor told us the tech found a “fluid sac” in our baby boy’s chest cavity. He told us not to be concerned because the “fluid sac” could just be drained. The doctor referred us to a specialist. A week later at the specialist appointment the discovered the “fluid sac” was actually CCAM, also known as Congenital Cystic Adenomatoid Malformation. It is a tumor or growth in the chest cavity that can cause serious problems. In our case the CCAM was not cancerous. At 18 ½ weeks pregnant the CCAM measured to be the size of a dime and pushing on his heart and lung. Our specialist told us they were going to watch it very closely and wanted me to come in once a week. Although we received our diagnosis we still planned our gender reveal party with our close family and friends. That Thursday we were so excited to tell everyone we would be welcoming a baby boy into this world. His name would be Jackson Dallas DeWolf, named after my wonderful Grandfather Jack. He has been a huge part of my life and is like a father to me. Everyone was so thrilled and couldn’t wait for all the planning and shopping to begin. Three weeks had past and the CCAM had grown to the size of a quarter and was still pushing on his heart and lung. We were sadden by the news but tried to remain calm and positive for our baby boy. At 23 ½ weeks pregnant I started to have some cramping and really wasn’t sure what was going on. My mom told me to call my doctor just to see what they say. My nurse told me to come in. My doctor examined me and said my cervix was thinning. He called the specialist and they said I needed to be admitted into the hospital immediately. I was in labor at 23 ½ weeks! At the hospital they examined me again and the amniotic fluid was at a 34. Normal amniotic fluid levels are a 20 and below. The reason for the fluid buildup was because the CCAM had been pushing on Jacksons esphocus and he was unable to swallow as much fluid as he should be therefor it was building up in me. They started me on medicines to hopefully stop the labor and reduce the fluid. Five days later, still in the hospital on strict bed rest I was scanned again. The fluid had gone up to a 38. We stayed positive and were hopeful that the meds had started working. Two days later I was scanned again and the levels went up to a 43. The specialist explained to me he wanted to drain some of the amniotic fluid the next day. The risk was it could possibly put me into full on labor or the worst could be the amniotic sac could rupture, poison, and killing us both. At this time I was 24 weeks and 3 days. I had 2 rounds of steroids since I was admitted. My belly and uterus was the size of someone who would be 9 months pregnant. My body was telling itself it was time to deliver. This whole pregnancy we were given 3 options. Option 1-If I delivered Jackson at 24 weeks he would have to have surgery that day to remove the CCAM. Option 2- If we delivered around 30 weeks we could wait a couple of weeks to have the surgery. Option 3- Go full term and hopefully Jackson would grow faster than the CCAM or we could wait until his first birthday to have it removed. As the day continued I started to have excruciating cramps. The nurse checked me and said I was dilated to a 1 and informed me that I would only go to a 5 seeing how small Jackson is. This time I was really in labor. They began to prep me for an emergency C Section. I was so scared. In a blink of an eye our family surrounded us with love and prayers. The nurse prepping me for surgery knew I was scared and began praying over me. I suddenly had a sense of calmness take over my body. My husband was a bit frantic but knew he couldn’t let me see it and gently held my hand as they wheeled me to the OR room. I kept telling myself we were about to get to meet our baby boy. We just knew everything was going to be just fine. Our Jackson was a strong fighter! They began the C Section. I felt tugging…..pulling….then I felt pressure release from my body as the broke the sac. I turned to my husband Jeremy and he said he is out. Jackson Dallas DeWolf was born May 29th, 2014 at 1:58pm. I told Jeremy to stay with Jackson I would be fine. The pediatric surgeon immediately took Jackson and began working on him. As they began stitching me up I prayed asking God to please stay with our baby boy. Jeremy came back and said Jackson was not breathing on his own. I told him to go back and stay with him. Just pray! Again, I just knew everything would be fine. Jeremy went back to the 4th floor to be with Jackson. As they finished up with me I was wheeled into a recovery room. I was left alone for about ten minutes when finally a nurse came in. I asked over and over again how my son was doing. She told me they didn’t know anything at the moment. About twenty minutes later a nurse came in and said they needed the mother on the 4th floor. As they wheeled me into the elevator I began to get very anxious. I was finally going to meet my son. I couldn’t wait to hold him, kiss him, and love on him. As I entered the room there were probably a dozen nurses surrounding Jackson. I saw my little man. Our baby was tiny, long, and red. I didn’t see him moving. The surgeon came up to me saying all kinds of things. I couldn’t comprehend anything. I just starred at my baby! I finally turned to the doctor and said “what are you saying”. She said “I’m sorry he didn’t make it”. I completely broke down and felt my heart break into a million pieces. I turned to my husband who was in tears. I couldn’t believe what was going on and to be honest I was in complete shock. Jackson lived and fought for his life for 46 minutes. They wrapped him up in a blue knitted blanket and asked if I wanted to hold him. I said no. Yes, you heard me I said no. I was in complete disbelief. My baby who I carried in my body for 6 months, who I felt kick every day and who I talked to everyday was gone! My husband held him for the first time. I remember just crying hysterically repeating NO….NO….NO….this isn’t happening! Minutes passed and I was asked again if I wanted to hold him. I said yes. Jackson was perfect in every single way. He had dark hair, perfect hands, long perfect feet, and was the most handsome baby I ever laid eyes on. He looked just like his daddy. Our family members where behind us the entire time weeping but trying to remain strong for us. My mother hugged me as I held Jackson and then my grandfather who Jackson is named after. I lost it again. No matter how hard I tried to contain myself I couldn’t. I was is such disbelief that all of this was really happening. Everyone was able to hold him who wanted to which I am very thankful for. We all said goodbye to our first child, first grandchild, and first great grandchild. As we were taking back to a room and sat there. The whole day seemed to be one huge nightmare. I couldn’t wrap my head around anything. What went wrong? Why didn’t I do this or ask this? That evening I was giving pain and sleeping meds. As I woke up the next morning my body felt so empty. An emptiness that is unexplainable. My baby was really gone. I finally asked what happened. As they entered the breathing tubes into Jackson’s lungs there was one lung flattened by the CCAM. It ruptured as they began pumping air into him. I do believe that the surgeon was unaware of the situation. When we were diagnosed with the CCAM our specialist said they don’t know what causes CCAM or how to get rid of it. It is extremely rare 1 and 25,000 babies develop it. Never in a million years did I ever think we would be bearing our child but we did. Losing a child is a pain that can’t be explained no matter how old they are. I remember I would avoid the diaper isle or even the children’s clothing section. I could barely bring myself to go to a baby shower or to try and be happy for others. Well because honestly it was simply unfair. No one should ever have to feel that kind of loss or emptiness. Church was another issue for me. I found myself mad. Every time I entered a church I was so emotional and still to this day I am. The doctor started me on depression medicine after the loss of Jackson.  Little did I know it was affecting my mental state? My husband wanting me to stop taking it, so I did.  Then I realized I could not handle this by myself. I needed God and my loved ones to try and understand how I was feeling. Then the healing process began. Please if you or someone you know is going through the same, speak out. It helped me by talking about Jackson and also people checking on me. I am sharing our story with you not to scare you, but to simply be aware of what can happen. Explore every option out there. Just because one doctor says something doesn’t mean there isn’t other alternatives or procedures out there. Don’t just settle on the first option given. Jackson will never ever be forgotten and will always be our first born child. He will forever be our guardian angel. It gives me some peace knowing he is with his twin brother or sister. Until we meet again my son. Jackson now has a baby sister here on earth. Jaylee Ann was born August 10th, 2015, she has the best big brother….our forever angel to protect her through life here on earth. I would like to say thank you to my husband and mother, without you two during this I would not be here today. I love you both dearly! RIP Jackson Dallas DeWolf, we love and miss you so much!